bleedusthin

The day we all feared yet hoped for has arrived.. the day when we could finally say, "She's at peace". Ashley passed away this evening, October 20, 2004. Some of you knew her better than others... the fact you knew her is all that matters. She effected happiness in many people's lives, even while she hurt inside. Yes, she commited that 'ultimate selfish act', but, we would have been more selfish to force her to live a life of pain. She looks at us from above, or beyond, or wherever she is now. This is the hardest thing I've had to write in my life. Do not blame yourselves, or ask what you didn't do that you should have or could have. Ashley made the decision, and it was her's alone to make. She slipped away unconcious, and peacefully, for that, I am greatful.

I emplore you, please don't try to contact Corinda or I... I won't explain why, I'm sure you understand, I will say sorry.

I have set up a guestbook where you can leave your wishes and such, if you desire.

I don't know that there is much more that can be said.

Go ye well Ashley, you are strong, the gods are with you.

Tony

Please Forgive Me

Please forgive me for what I'm about to do
You can't even imagine the pain I'm going through
I didn't mean to hurt anyone
But I just wanted to become someone
Suicide lingers in my heart
So now I feel we must part
I'm sorry things will never be the same
But I can no longer play this game
You say the pain hasn't won
I say the pain has just begun
All I have to say is "WHY?"
Why can't I spread my wings and fly?
Nothing feels right anymore
And I can't keep fighting this stupid war
I cannot play the hand I've been dealt
No one cares about the way I've felt
But now I feel I must go and be free

I'm giving up, I'm throwing in the towel, I can't do this anymore. It's a fucking waste of my time and energy. Nothing ever changes, nothing ever will. It will always be the same. Doesn't matter if I'm in BC or Asia, the place doens't change us, or who we are. What are we exactly? From a early age we were neglected and left to survive on our own. Yes our mother gave a roof over our head, but that's not enough for a 3 year old to grow up. It's not enough to show her how to love herself, to show her that she's wanted and loved, because we weren't. We were told many times a day we weren't loved, we weren't wanted, we weren't accepted, we weren't what she wanted us to be. She wanted us to be a boy, and I'm sorry mom, but I'm not. I'm a little girl that wanted your love, that's all. I didn't care about the name brand clothes, or the Reebok Pump Hightops, or gymnastics, or swimming lessons. Mommy all I wanted was for you to once just say " I love you, I love you for being you, I love you for everything you are, and everything you aren't, Miriam Ruth Toope babygirl I love you", so many words we will never hear from her. Mom what did I do that was so terribly wrong. Why did you blame it on me, blame your husband, blame the man that helped create me, blame fucking God, but don't blame me. Mom I didn't choose to be born, and I didn't want to be. I wasn't the hellish child you so thought I was, I was just trying to survive, you think you did nothing wrong but mom, you did, Look ay what I've become, I'm going to be a suicide statistic soon enough, is that how you envisioned me, is that what you wanted, cause Mom it sure seems like it, and everything I ever did, was never good enough. Pregnant with twins, you came into my life, when I miscarried, you were gone, blamed me. I got marrried, had a "wonderful husband", and you "can't be bothered" to even speak to him, let alone meet him. MOM WHAT DID I DO!? Mom, I haven't lived with you since I was 12. You know why, becuase you are a awful abusive horrific mother, who should have been locked up, instead you got rid of me, and walked free. Well mom, I'm going to be free, I'm going to be free from everything.

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Had a interesting day, yesterday... Started with Cor calling, crawled back into bed and called Becky, we were supposed to go to the lake before I had to work. She was tired and so was I, so we decided to go another day. I laid in bed, watched American Wedding, Kill Bill 2 and Old School, took the DVD's back.... Hold that thought, about the DVD rentals here. umm they're fucked... See I went to go them just before they closed the night before. So back home, if it's a hour before close, they consider it the "next" day, and you take it back 2 days later, no biggie. So I didn't get a chance to watch them that night, or the next day. That evening (the day after I got them ( 14 hours) , they called saying they were overdue. Hell I wasn't even home, I was working a private party till 3 am. So get home and see the note on the fridge. So ok, I called them, and for once I had a backbone, and wasn't going to pay late charges, cause 14 hours to watch 3 DVD's, ummm yeah, no. So I talked to 2 people, and final conclusion was "Just as long as you have them back by 7:30 tonight, cause then I'm off", well thank you.). So back to today, dropped off the DVD's and went to work. .... Got to work, went and had a weird feeling about Danielle. So I had to get " a diet sprite", went there, asked her how she was doing, and called her over to the side of the counter. She was reluctant to come to us, she thought we were going to hit her, quite the opposite actually. We gave her a hug, a real true genuine hug, she needed it. Went back to work, ended up a few hours later, going back to get a diet lemonade (or vis versa), and just to see how she was, told her to stop by after work. She got off came up, had a drink, bought her another, finished up closing, and grabbed a drink and we sat down, and we realized that no matter how hard we try to push the other one away, we can't, we only have each other here. Yeah we have friends, but not the same, we hide our scars, we hide behind our masks, people judge, we don't. Who else can she show her scars and cuts too? Who else can you cry with and really have a good cry, or know when they need a good hug, not a simple pat. So we've come to the conclusion, that we could shit kick each other, abd both be laying on the floor in a bloody heap and we'd still take the other to the hospital and stay by their bedside, we had a really good talk, alot of things we just needed to get off our chests. So by this time Troy's gone and we're waiting for Dawn to get back. Dawn finally gets back, and this is where it gets a little twillight zoneish. Got Dawn to roll up 2 j's, lit em up and Danielle, got fucked.. She had her first "brainer", and got right fucked. Oh oh oh, and she weras shrink shoes, ever notice they're always wearing loafers, worn in comfortable loafers, haha, yeah, she's got em, she suits them, she should 3 rd yr psych student. So yeah we smoked it, she got fucked, I got fucked, and Dawn got fucked. Put her bike in the back of the truck and dropped her off at home, Dawn dropped us off, and yeah, now we're going to put in "Thirteen", and get some sleep....... It just started to pour, it's going to be a wet musky day.....

time to clean, so much to do, but this room will be clean by the days end. it has to be.
Laundry, clothes and everything put away, change the sheets/pillow case, vaccum, the whole nine yards, it will be clean by the end of the night.

Hmmm guess I should start writing in here too.... till we get back, this will have to do....

YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (NAME OF FIRST PET + STREET YOU LIVE ON)

Sammy Grandy

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (NAME OF YOUR FAVOURITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHERS FIRST NAME)

Miss Vickie Leo

YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (FIRST WORD YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVOURITE RESTAURANT)

Sudden Extreme

"FLY GIRL" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name)

A Sa

ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen)

Crush Dawn

DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baaaaaaby Animal + Where You Went to High School)

Kitten Heritage

BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink)

Skittle Jack Daniels

SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived)

Ruth Davie

ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician)

Reese Piece Reznor

The \\
Last Cigarette:	Tonight after work sitting at the bar with Jenny, Sarah, Keith, Bill and Becky.
Last Alcoholic Drink:	Hmm, could it have been tonight after work.....Black Banana, Baja Rosa and Lambs Amber Rum.
Last Car Ride:	Took a cab home from work.
Last Kiss:	Ha, a kiss, probably Marcel, but it was just a friendly kiss, nothing more.
Last Good Cry:	Haven't cried in a long time, other then in ICU cause of the constant nausea/vomiting and pain.
Last Library Book:	Umm, yikes, probably some ED book, not sure.
Last book bought:	Wasted or Prozac Nation
Last Book Read:	Wasted
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	Spiderman 2 (but it wasn't in the theater), it would have to be Kill Bill.
Last Movie Rented:	Bruce Almighty, never got to see it.
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	Fucking Cocksucker!!!
Last Beverage Drank:	apple juice ( waterlogged)
Last Food Consumed:	pudding cup (binge)
Last Crush:	don't have "crushes" anymore.
Last Phone Call:	Believe that would have been Tony when he called us at work..
Last TV Show Watched:	TLC "fake it"
Last Time Showered:	this morning
Last Shoes Worn:	"Vans" uplands
Last CD Played:	A Perfect Circle
Last Item Bought:	Would have been a pack of smokes and a few joints
Last Download:	a picture from our sister
Last Annoyance:	slut whore
Last Disappointment:	eating today
Last Soda Drank:	Diet pepsi
Last Thing Written:	this, duh!
Last Key Used:	!
Last Words Spoken:	Fat pig (towards ourself)
Last Sleep:	haha, aren't you funny, sometime yesterday.
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	vanilla ice cream, 4 days ago
Last Chair Sat In:	this one, too low.
Last Webpage Visited:	livejournal.com
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